Protestors Rally Over Kickapoo Joy Juice Shortage, Washington to Assemble Commission

Posted in Kickapoo News on August 2, 2016

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an event that seemed inevitable following the recent public outcry over the nationwide shortage of Kickapoo Joy Juice, today, angry protestors from around the country assembled in Washington, D.C., and took to the streets demanding answers.

“I want the American people to know their voices are being heard loud and clear,” said Rep. Justin Case of Pennsylvania’s 5th district, speaking at a press conference and addressing the protests taking place outside of the Capitol.

“Earlier, my colleagues and I were engaged in an important debate about what name to give a post office in Oregon, and all of a sudden I heard loud yelling. Those protestors were upset. They really want their Kickapoo,” said Congressman Case.

Due to the uproar, congressional leaders have taken immediate action, calling for a special joint session to be held tomorrow where the formation of a commission to pinpoint the cause of the shortage will be announced.

When asked about the commission, Congressman Case replied, “I don’t think you understand. They’re mad and we need to do something now. Do we have to wait until tomorrow?”

Krystal Clear, a senior aide to Congressman Case also attended the press conference, and fielded questions from reporters after a visibly shaken Case stepped away from the podium.

“The government will take swift, effective action to solve the Kickapoo shortage, and deliver the type results the American people have come to expect from their leaders,” said Clear.

When asked to describe the swift and effective action the American people can expect, Clear stated:

After the commission determines the cause of the shortage, the solution will be deliberated in the appropriate committees in both the House and the Senate. Once bills that include the solution make it out of those committees, each bill will be debated on the floor of each chamber. Once the House passes its version of the bill, and the Senate passes its version, a conference committee including members of the House and Senate will merge both bills into one, creating a final bill that the House and Senate will pass. After the final bill is passed by the House and Senate, it will be sent to the president to be signed into law. This is all dependent upon congress being able to work together to pass the bill, of course. But if the president signs the bill into law, the American people can rest assured the Kickapoo shortage will be fixed…gradually…over time.

Clear was then asked to provide a timeframe for these actions, to which she replied, “Five, maybe six years max.” Congressman Case then proceeded to faint.

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