Does Kickapoo Accelerate Neck Beard Growth? Scientific Study Inconclusive

Posted in Kickapoo News on June 23, 2016

A new report is causing a major stir in the scientific community as researchers remain baffled in their efforts to discover the cause of accelerated neck beard growth – an ailment that affects an ever-increasing percentage of males between the ages of 18 and 34, commonly referred to as “neckbeards.”

During the study, researchers placed groups of male Millennials in separate rooms, each containing a number of laptop and desktop computers, along with big screen televisions connected to popular gaming consoles and an unlimited supply of snacks. One room, however, was given water as a control, while the other group was given dozens of bottles of Kickapoo Joy Juice.

“Outside of a brief altercation that occurred when a PC gamer referred to a console gamer as a noob, the study went off without a hitch,” said John Ellenberger, a renowned human biology expert, and member of the team which conducted the study. “There was a slight problem getting certain individuals to leave at the conclusion, but it ultimately had no affect on the results,” said Ellenberger.

Once the study was complete, the amount of unkempt hair growth on the necks of each group was measured. To the shock of scientist everywhere the results were inconclusive.

A Neck Beard in its natural habitat

“We were sure the group given access to Kickapoo Joy Juice would have substantially more neck beard growth, but these results have shaken us to the core and change everything we know about neckbeards,” said Helen Hardy, a professor of human anatomy for various online for-profit colleges.

After questions began to arise about the veracity of the study, Hardy explained the meticulous effort put into selecting participants.

According to Hardy, the individuals chosen to participate had shown a propensity for neck beard growth in the past. Additionally, they all had at least one account on 4chan, they considered trolling online a legitimate hobby, and many of the participants disliked the current direction of Game of Thrones as it strayed too far away from George R.R. Martin’s original source material.

However, the most important commonality shared by a majority of these individuals was Kickapoo being their favorite beverage, a fact that led scientist to believe they were on the verge of a major finding in neck beard research; an assumption that ultimately could not be proven.

To gain the perspective of the study’s participants, we reached out to one of the men who took part. He requested to remain anonymous, but gave a detailed account of his involvement. Overall, he described the experience as a pleasant one. He loved having unlimited access to Kickapoo, and enjoyed playing World of Warcraft and League of Legends uninterrupted. He also added that if it were up to him he would have never left. However, he did recall one negative experience in which he did not go into great detail, only explaining that he has no regrets about calling a fellow participant a noob.

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